Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
You Might Also Like
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.