What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Bros before Ohioes
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
rapatouille
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps