Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
brian had himself a morning…
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …