[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Hmmmmm
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.