Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Good boy 😂😂
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.