For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
You Might Also Like
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
saw this in a dream
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.