I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.