[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
is nasa ok
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
#growingpains