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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Every damn time
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.