the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Breaking news:
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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