BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
A French press is when you hug naked
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.