*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
You Might Also Like
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing