I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good