I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol