Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Cha-ching is my safe word
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.