Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say