A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
why I oughta
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Mhm.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Whoa… oh I see lol
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
This is a sub tweet
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.