1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps