[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less