I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.