I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house