Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”