My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]