How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it