I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums