I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.