If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.