Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)