Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.