Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume