The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I did not eat the cake…
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?