my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
A roof is a house hat.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES