Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.