My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?