Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me too 😆
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.