Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.