I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
You Might Also Like
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Can. I. Help. You.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family