As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed