Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what