[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….