When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream