I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
For the ones in the back.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Got ya covered
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.