“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I think we should hear other voices.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗