Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
New menu item
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
We found love in a hopeless place.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone