I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.