One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.