*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.