And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
You Might Also Like
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.