One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what