The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Good morning.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.